I feel like dancing
Dancing in the mirror
Im standing there looking like a fool
Daft Punk is not very Punk
She laughed at me then she left
4 days past and all I could think about was her smile
On the 5th day the lights shined at the disco
I see her standing in the corner
She was all alone and I was so full of myself
I had to see that smile again
I got drunk and missed my shot
Too many shots , my brain floating in alcoholic solidarity
confused by blackness in my eyes
2 weeks passed and the pain from the ink
Still burns from the alley artist
Sunsets and Darkness falls around me
Fixated on her image in my head
Buried in silence I am almost dead
I dont know where to begin
Going out of my mind searching for her
Going out of my mind losing her
Hold my hand let me bring you near
Im at the bottom of the food chain
Starving for you love
Ive been waiting a life time
But I keep fucking up
She is dancing with him
Im sweating and standing in the cold
She is slipping through my hands
Im killing time , She use to think i was fun
She was the only one
Oh how I want to dance with her
Excuse me sir may I cut in and cut a rug with her
Im sinking into the sea
Swimming in illusions
Breaking down and she is laughing all the way
Falling down and her eyes push me further away
Is it a game , somehow I always lose
I never imagined how much enjoyment could be gained from failure
She is smiling and I am on my knees
I would lose for a lifetime just to see her smile

Its never as easy as it seems
Standing here without you
Im holding on and will never let go
No matter how long the fall
I would jump again
You bring out the best in me
I can finely breath
Holding my breathe till I turn blue
I will never stop looking
Im holding on until that day
Standing still not making a move
You knew me better than i did
I just needed more time to find who i was
I have failed myself so many times
I never wanted you to see
But Im holding on Love is painful
Im so scared of the truth
Beating myself up all the time
and yet I never win
Turning circles spinning in my bed
I cant sleep without you here
Oh im holding on but its never enough
So sick of happiness it means nothing
Im letting it out tearing at the seams
You were so wonderful
How could I ever turn away
I must have been a fool
Will I ever have another chance
Im holding on Just dont tell me to let go
To hear you name
Brings back so many things
and I feel the same
Was I too naive was I too impaired
To see what has slipped right by
When I first gazed into your eyes
I saw what I wanted to be
I got comfortable and let you down
So now Im holding on trying to find my way back to you

Im fighting, fighting to escape
I know I have to win
Its the only chance to set myself free
Somehow I hear her calling
I must take this fear and push it over the edge
Push myself over the edge
Im a fighter Bullying myself to no end
Ripping through the pages
Everyday passes so quickly
Blacking out , I laugh at it every time
Laughter stains me inside
Doubting me , Im in prison
Stepping into the dark
Fear is fading Anger is Growing
Destruction is creeping in
Im a fighter fighting for you
As the fire burns my skin
I will be the one till the end
Hearts beating as my head is pounding
Can you see the true meaning
Im living just to die
Die I will not till I have lived
Small spaces bury the pain
Secluded from everything else
Please give me just one shot
Im a fighter fighting everyday
Falling to the ground I see how you see
How you see me standing all alone
I dont know how to be anything else
Im breaking down and loving every minute of it
Know that im trying Bleeding and Suffocating
Pouring rain and all I see is you looking back at me
You always saw right through me
Im a fighter What the hell am I fighting for
On my knees waiting for the last punch
Erasing the pain from inside my broken bones
Im gaining the strength to win again
Somehow you helped me through
Giving me everything and never taking a thing
Broken Tvs and Burnt books
Im looking looking for a way to see
Im scaring myself Breaking everything I touch
All i have seen and all that has passed me by
Im a fighter I just never realized I was fighting for you
Im a fighter I have fought my last battle
Im a fighter and I have finely lost

I am afraid to let it out
im running myself to death
trying to hide from this
I always new it was a dream
Oh it was way too good
I have done nothing in this life
I dont deserve what little taste of happiness I had
The taste of what it was will always haunt me
Im so sorry that you had to be the one
I know that you didnt need to carry this
Let go for yourself Im a lost cause
In case you hadnt noticed im falling down
Everyday I shared was all a lie
I cant help but to wonder were you would be if not for me
Im on fire and nothing can put me out
Let me burn let me burn
Should i ever see you again
I will look the other way
I took it all away from you and its just to late
Its too late to give it all back
Im dancing to a dead beat
All the sunshine is gone
And im falling apart in the dark

Her name is stella

She stares into the window
Looking for something that isn't there
Her hair is bleeding with perfection
As she stands in the rain
Longing to live a life she can love
I watch from afar wanting to be noticed

Don't be afraid she says
I will only be here for 2 days
then I will be gone
I see her now in my dreams
She is everything I thought she would be
Her name is Stella

Her voice so pure
When she speaks to me
I step back into the dark
To be in the presence of beauty I am not fit for
As the rain falls, she dances alone
I am witnessing an angel

Don't be afraid she says
I will only be here for 2 days
then I will be gone
I see her now in my dreams
She is everything that I thought she would be
Her name is Stella

As I hold her hand I start to sweat
The moon radiates and she radiates
My knees are trembling and she radiates
This has been such a long fall
I have been falling since I saw the rain
Learning all along the way

Don't be afraid she says to me
I will only be here for 2 days
then I will be gone
I see her now in my dreams
She is everything I hoped she would be
Her name is Stella

I know she will be gone soon
I cant find the strength to tell her
Burning up inside to love her
I'm caught in her web
Tangled up in all that is before me
Am I too simple, to boring of a life

Well she says don't be afraid
I only have 2 days
then i will be gone
I see her now in my dreams
She is everything I want
Her name is Stella

I want to love you
Tonight is ending too soon
Time is fading fast and so is she
I don't want to be your friend
I want to love you
Then I black out and your gone

Don't be afraid she says to me
It has been 2 days
I have already gone
I see her now in my dreams
She is everything to me
Her name is Stella

I'm standing in the rain all alone
I can hear you dancing in the night
I wish to see your face just for one more night
Somewhere out there you are shining in the light
Stunning someone else with your beauty
Another is falling , Falling for you tonight

I'm not afraid tonight
The days grow long and keep passing
You are already gone
I see you in my dreams
You are everything to me
I will never forget and always keep looking
Looking for that window hoping that one day
I can be on the other side when you are looking in

Sometimes it seems

Sometimes it seems that all I have is gone
I know not what to feel
If I wander endlessly on these streets
will someone see me or will I have the chance to shine
I step into the darkness waiting for an answer
Will this be enough to set me free
I learn from nothing
it takes me a life time to fill my heart and only a moment to lose it all
I'm silent long enough to hear the cries of the world
I don't know how to interpret what it is saying
It is too much for one, but if I don't try
Will another listen
I'm brought to my knees by feeling
This feeling of helplessness in a sea of doubt
Answers are hard to come by
Finding a way is sometimes more trouble than subsiding
Sometimes it seems tough to comprehend
It is all to hard to let you see
Swimming is hard to do on land
I am filled with pain not only for me but you
I cant explain the way
Apathetic is what i am becoming
It is laughable to think of what has come
When your to blame thats all thats left
For me its something more
Growing up in a world that is so cold
Warmth is hard to find and when you do its too late
Staring into the sun and only seeing darkness
Thats what it is and then sometimes it seems

Im on fire

My blood is thin
My skin is giving in
I am weakening within
I am ready to give in

Darkness closes in
Im crawling to the corner of the room
Hiding from what has come
Slipping further down, Im falling

She pulled me back up
Giving me one last Breath
Filling me up with Life
The bullet slips right by

It was all a game to them
Thought they could get a laugh
Blacking out I see everything
The illusion they gave is no more

I can feel her near
She is some piece of work
She speaks so soft but can be heard all over
I have lost all control

She does it to me
Gives me everything
The sky has never looked so wide
Tongue tied when I am around her

Nervous feelings of losing what I never had
It all means so much to me
She can say just one word and I am in heaven
Oh if I could only be strong

Strong enough to jump
Jump into her arms for once
Im feeling dizzy standing next to her
Falling faster and faster

Holding my head barely above water
Just to get a glimpse of her
I can hear her calling
But its not for me

Her clothes are soaked from the rain
You never looked so good
I melt watching you move
I have never prayed for the rain until now

In the middle of a crowd I see her
No one has ever shined so bright
Will I ever get a chance
To hold your hand and let you lead me through

I will climb to the highest peak just to watch
To watch you just being you
Staring into your eyes
I could never get enough

Sitting thinking wishing hoping
I could kiss your lips
My heart beats louder and louder when you come around
Skipping and Stopping I fall to the ground

No form or shape could I take
Would change the way you make me feel
To feel your skin next to mine
What I would not give

I just wanted to say thank you
I just wanted to say I love you
I just wanted to say...

this i cannot explain
but i feel you know
this thing is strong
it will go on
what has been shared will never fade
lost for now but not forever
a time will come
for us to shine
for us to burn
burn this whole place down
together is the only way
i hope you are learning
i am always at the study
when that day comes
you will know and i will know
connected we will always remain
as we pass every now and then
we both know
the love that i feel for you will not subside
only grow with each passing day
though there are millions of others out there
each time i will only find you
so until that day when we are joined again

said the Moon to his only star the Sun...

my life is obscure at best
obscenities profanities and wondering what has come of me
losing every battle that has crossed these grounds
fighting not knowing who im fighting for
just to tread another day on some unknown land
for my stupidity i sure am smart
listening to nothing i hear everything
i see right through walls and talk to demons
why not if they are mine
i enjoy darkness on a sunny day
but light is all i see
i run and jump and play
but fun is something i do not see
cold cold rain pours down on me
i wish that for once it would soak me to the bone

insideofmeliesasickness
sometimestoohardtofacebutneverlying
attimesofdiscomfortandfearifalltomyknees
breakingapartallihaveeverknown
itdragsmedownintothedirt
wishinghopingprayingforwhatidonotknow
onlythatsomethingwillrelievemysuffering
itdigsandburrowsandswallows
sadtosayifeelitapartofme
notknowinglifewithout

thoughtsofonedayreturningthissickness
bloodandsweatandtearshaveallranout
thinkingandfeelingbecomethesame
asolitarypresenceofmyselfneverfeltmoreabound
thispainifeeliscomfortingifcomfortisnotbreathing

thissicknessfillsmeupwithhatredandsorrow
bleedingarmsarerunningout
sooniwillhavetofindawayout
awaytosubmittoitsdemands
theskiesturnblack
ifailtoseethebeautyinitsbreast
brightstarsshinenotforme
ihavelostwhatliesinsideme
thestrengthtofighththisshit

giveupiwillnotmyheartremainsintact
thereseemstobeawallaroundit
breakingthroughmustbeitsintent
imustendureforalittlewhilelonger
surelyitwillgrowtired
tiredoffightingwagingwaronitsselfjusttowin
untilthen

What causes you to not fall asleep. Sure insomnia could be the reason, but what really is the cause. Im sure some people are diagnosed with insomnia. Most of the time its something else I would imagine. Why does that man smile, I wonder who is making him feel that way. Happiness doesnt seem to come from anything else. It all starts with someone. Somebody must love that bald head and his bow legged walk. The heart is a funny organ. It can make your day or fuck it up. Your daughter saying "I love you daddy" before running off to school. That must make people have an amazing day. Being alone that sure fucks up your day. But you cant let it get the best of you. You should find something that gives it a kick and never give that thing up. Too many lonely days will dry up the blood. Like a sponge soaking up every last drop. Love till your blue and pouring over with, Look im no romantic but I know what this is. So I guess im saying Life without Love isnt Living at all. And Im a fucking thousand years old...

Test

This will be my first post. I am going to treat this as a journal to keep my thoughts. I have been contimplating whether or not to begin my own journey into the blogger community. Needless to say I have succumbed to the tablet which lies online. I am not sure what will become of this "journal" it should give me a way to release my cogitation. I would say I think a lot more so than others. I have always been a thinker, not always verbally providing insight of my being. I have always been a listener never letting many listen to me. I am making a new claim to my exsistence, hoping to become someone of great prowess. Not in the eyes of others but in my own eyes and the eyes of this world that I reside. I percieve life as an adventure, I just havent embarked on it yet.